Timmy & The Hitman

Timmy is a long time follower of boxing and sports in general, our latest and short addition amply demonstrates his razor sharp intellect.

EB - I see Ricky Hatton dodn't do too well

TJ - Who's he?.......Is he a footballer?

EB - No Tim, he's a boxer

TJ - Oh yeah, Is it the lad from Bolton?

Summer Soup

The previous posts have mainly featured Timmy Jither and his long suffering drinking buddy JC, this next post has 2 aims.

1. To prove that it is not just JC whom Timmy talks nonsense to; and

2. To prove that Timmy really does have the mental capacity of a fly which has recently smashed into a car windscreen, been scraped off, eaten by a spider, shat out before coming to rest in a dusty corner of a derelict crack house.

TJ was working in a soup factory at the time of this conversation

TJ - Do you want any soups TS? I can get as many as you want.

TS - That'd be great mate, just get me a few, half a dozen or so, I'm not bothered which flavours, you can surprise me

TJ - Do you like Tomato Soup?

TS - Yes, I like tomato, but I like all soups mate, so it doesn't matter which flavour?

TJ - What about Chicken Soup?

TS - Yes Tim, I like Chicken Soup, honestly mate, just get me any 6 soups

TJ - What about Minestrone, do you like that?

TS - Yes, I like any soup, I like ALL soups, there is not a soup which I do not enjoy

TJ - Oxtail?

TS - Yesssss

TJ - Leek and Potato?

TS - Yep (now in a state of annoyance and despair)

TJ - Tomato?

TS - We've f*cking had that one Timmy, how about Pea & Ham Soup, why not f*cking ask me if I like Pea and Ham Soup?

TJ - I can't get you Pea and Ham Soup, that's a summer summer soup!

TS - Timmy, it's November and it's freezing cold, I can't think of many soups more warming than Pea and Ham

TJ - No, that's a summer soup, do you like Scotch Broth?

TS - I'm going to the bar

Football Seats

Oh Timmy your inane, your so inane you hurt my brain, Oh Timmy (yeah yeah), Oh Timmy (yeah yeah)

Honestly you cannot make this drivel up, it keeps flowing like a sewer pipe that has spruing a leak 55 feet underground, JC is the chief engineer trying desperately to stem the tide, but he gets covered in more sh1t than the rest of us, as the offering for today amptly demonstrates.

JC has a season ticket at the football with his son and at the start of the 2008/2009 season Timmy has a query.

TJ - Have you got the same seats at the football this season JC?

JC - No Timmy, we are on the halfway line, quite high up this year

TJ - You've got the same seats though

JC - No Timmy, we used to be behind the goal, but now we are in the East Stand, at the side of the pitch

TJ - You've got the same seats then

JC - What?

TJ - Plastc...they are still plastic seats though...the same seats.

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If you've managed to stick with the blog so far, then firstly well done, secondly you'll be noticing a common theme developing i.e. Timmy isn't the brightest chap around.

Nobody is perfect when it comes to spelling, I'm sure that even Stephen Fry sometimes puts "it's" rather than "its" and everyone has been flummoxed by successful or accommodation at some point.

Anyway, onto today's offering, Timmy & JC are enjoying a pint in their local pub, when the subject turns to spelling.......

TJ - JC, How do you spell Billy?

JC - (Groaning) What Timmy? Billy? How would you spell it?

TJ - B.I.L.L.Y

JC - Correct, why do you ask?

TJ - I got this letter or note through my letterbox addressed to a Billy. I didn't read it coz it's not for me. I was thinking what I should do with it

JC - Have you still got it?

TJ - Yeah I've still got it. I was thinking of pushing it through Billy's letterbox next door.

JC - (An audible & large sigh)

Cloth Ears

A common theme with Timmy is that he doesn't always listen to what you're saying. He's neither deaf or hard of hearing, yet he supplies ridiculous quotes due to his short attention span and inability to actually to listen to what you are saying.

The conversation below is from January this year, when JC had changed some utility bills into his name due to a change in circumstances at his house. Timmy's utterings once again left JC wondering just what he'd done in a previous life to suffer the friendship of Timmy "King of Nonsense" Jither in this one.

TJ - Have you sorted all the bills into your name now JC?

JC - Yeah but British Gas are a right pain! I got a statement on 4th December saying I was £118.92 in credit, then on the 4th January they sent me another saying I owed them £174. That's £292 worth of gas I've supposedly used.

TJ - That's ridiculous, you can't use that much in half an hour

Me and my big mouth!

Sometimes you just wish that you had keep your big trap shut. What follows is another Timmy Jither and JC interchange which left JC with a potentially annoying fortnight to look forward to.

TJ - I have to pay my Council Tax today

JC - It won't be much will it because you're not working

TJ - Oh it is JC

JC - How much is it?

TJ - About forty odd quid

JC - Do you get a statement on how much you should pay?

TJ - Yeah the last one said I was £1,200 in credit. Is that good?

JC - Jesus Timmy! You've paid too much, get them to send you a cheque. You could use it to go on holiday or something

TJ - Do you think so. Good idea JC........I could go on holiday with you for a fortnight next year when you go away

JC - ((((Oh f**k, what have I said?! )))) >this was thought rather than spoken.

The moral of this story is to think before you speak

What's in a name?

This story comes from a time when Timmy was gainfully employed, the staff at the factory where he worked had a collection collection for his birthday and JC was on the unfortunate end of a mind-boggling phone conversation........

TJ - Staff the factory had a collection for me, for my birthday

JC - What did they get?

TJ - 20 bottles of lager. 20!! I'll never sup them

JC - What sort is it?

TJ - Alliber

JC - What? Do you mean Kaliber?

TJ - No, hold on I'll have a look...............long pause.............It's Stella

JC - For f***s sake, I've got to go now Timmy (hangs up)

Walking The Dog

Timmy being a kind & unemployed soul often has a lot of spare time on his hands (he basically wanders around the shops & has a couple of pints - good work if you can get it). One of the duties he does is to look after JC's brother's dog (Ben) when he's away on holiday. The conversation for one particular day went as follows:

JC - You know when you take Ben for a walk, do you take a plastic bag with you?

TJ - Yeah

JC - So say you go to the woods, where it's like nature. You don't bother picking up Ben's poo there do you?

TJ - Yeah, I do pick it up there

JC - Oh, what do you do with the bag then?

TJ - I throw it in the nearest bushes

Who does Timmy know?

Timmy Jither has a group of drinking buddies who have all heard his incredible utterings & they are very much a part of this blog.

A brief synopsis of these un/fortunate souls now follows:

JC - Timmy's long time friend and drinking partner, JC has suffered Timmy's nonsense for far longer than anyone else & deserves a knighthood. He enjoys the simple pleasures in life, such as beer & pies.

TS - A big daft northern lad, with hollow legs & a sometimes short fuse

TD - An absolute maniac with a tendency for dropping his pants

TR - The thinker of the bunch

EB - A bigger & dafter northern lad, who will have his own website soon if he's not careful

More information (but not their names) will be revealed as this blog moves along, but that's enough for now

Who is Timmy Jither?.........

.....and what goes on in his head?

Timmy Jither is a modern day marvel, he has managed to reach the ripe old age of 61 without having so much as two brain cells to rub together.

How he functions on a day-to-day basis is incredible and the quotes which he endlessly and effortlessly provides are the basis for this blog. Timmy is always good for a quote and people were always saying, "You can't write that material", "You can't make it up". Well I've decided to write it down on this blog so that you the public, can enjoy his comments on life as we know it.

Occassionally you may come across a Timmy Jither quote which seems just too ridiculous to be true, well believe me, they are all true and they have all happened.

I hope you enjoy reading the blog and be sure to visit regularly as the quotes will keep coming and coming.

PS - The nice politically correct bit>>Timmy is a good friend and no harm is meant by this blog, he doesn't suffer from any mental illness and nor would I make fun of anybody that does, all quotes are 100% accurate and all in all he's just a bit fick :-)